I run....

In December I decided that I would take up jogging again. I was tired of my weight gain and the fact that I was starting to experience chest pain during very stressful situations.

When Lego Queen was a toddler, I went back to work. Sitting at home with her was not for me. So I took a job a local retail hardware store and Hongo and I worked opposite schedules.
Times got tough, and Hongo had to take part-time status to keep his job schedule, so I went full time. My job in the store became more stressful and busy, so at night I would jog on the treadmill while LegoQueen napped. It gave me peace and let me unwind.

I am by no stretch a marathon runner, but I do find that a nice long walk or job helps me think and rids my body of stress.

When I got the call on Wedneday about my dad, I thought long and hard about taking a quick jog to clear my mind. Its not like he was waiting on me or anything. But due to the long drive and the fact that my mom was waiting for me, I jumped in the shower and took off. No workout.
On Thursday I took a short 15 minutes walk, and that enabled me to start writing the eulogy for my dad. The words just flowed, and I knew that it was almost complete.

*WARNING - could be disturbing to read*

Friday was a very stressful day. I woke up early and went alone to a local florist shop to choose flowers. My uncle arranged for me to order the flowers and he would pay - no money limit. I got 3 really nice arrangments and had them colored in navy blue, white and silver. The Dallas Cowboys colors for their biggest fan.
We went back to my mom's house and my Uncle James, his wife, and their two kids were there. I walked in my dad's room for the very first time. HOngo had gone in first, and when he came out, he gave me a slight nod to signal his approval. (lol, I told him to check it out for me and remove anything he thought I might find disturbing) I was ready. I stood and looked around while James pointed things out to me, and explained how my dad was living. I have to admit - being in all his clutter was suffocating. My dad kept EVERYTHING. His clothing was still piled neatly in laundry baskets. The room smelled familiar - he was a heavy soap user and no matter what, he always smelled like soap and aftershave. I wanted to sit down, and I almost sat on the bed. But I caught myself in time - that is where he died. The mattress had simply been flipped over. Tons of CDs...movies - both legal and pirated.... a computer that my cousin claimed did not work (I checked - it does) and lots of Dallas Cowboy stuff. Most of that time was spent lingering in the garage looking over Dad's stuff. What to toss, what to put in his room for the family to take. I was handed a notebook with a letter in it to me from my dad. He never sent it. He did that alot.
More people started arriving. People that my dad had known for years. They used to conspire that their son and I would marry one day and the families would forever be connected. The wife walked right past me and was talking to my mom. My mom motioned to me and said "That's Kimberly over there." She was surprised to see me. WTH? SOMEONE must have made our strained relationship look too dramatic. This was just getting annoying.
My Hongo wanted me to eat before I had my appointment at the mortuary. He could tell that the people were getting to me. So I gave my mom a hug, told her I needed some time away and I would be back to pick up my box. James had found a few thing that he insisted that I take. I don't want any of it. I was very specific about what James was to find for me, and he could not find it. Before I left, I was given the phone number to one of my uncles who was coming out of state. I called and he said he was just about to pass through my city, and wanted to know more details. He also had a request.....would it be possible to arrange for him to view the body to make sure it was his brother. I told him I would see what I could do. I called the funeral home and asked if we could arrange an ID viewing (I had declined it Wednesday) and I got details on it. Yes, we could - but there would only be three spots. I called my uncle back and told him that I could do it for him, but that he would have to understand that my dad was not prepped for viewing and that he could see the body for 5 minutes.
He agreed and I told him that I would get definite details that afternoon.
I called my other uncle Angel, and offered him a second spot. He accepted. I called a third uncle, Kevin and he declined and told me to offer it to my aunt. Um, no. She doesn't need to be anymore dramatic.
I had lunch ( a ceremonial picking at my plate) and went back to mom's. Those people had left and they managed to sell my dad's old yellow truck. My mom tried to give me money from the sale to help pay for the funeral, but i told her to keep it. She was gonna need it more than I would.
I took the box and had Hongo put it in my car. Then we went to the mortuary. Things went well there. When we started discussing the viewing for my uncles, the man asked what time would be convenient for them. I looked him straight in the eye and told him "Whatever time *I* tell them, so you tell me when they can come." He later told me, " You don't take orders from anyone do you? You give them." I said "You don't know what my dad was like - I learned it from him." and smiled. We parted ways and we went BACK to my mom's house. James was still there.

I talked to James about my dad. He confirmed what I already knew - people think that I have no business dealing with the funeral. I should have never shown my face. Whatever. I told him that no matter what happened, he was still my dad. I was still his only daughter, and I WILL take care of his business. I have nothing to gain in this, and if I really want to be honest I will say that this job is NOT one of the better ones that I have ever had!
James claims to have knowledge of my dad's "secrets" and that one day "He'll tell me when I was ready." Silly man. I already know. I am not an idiot. I saw A LOT of things when I was growing up.
We left AGAIN. We went to see another uncle - my dad's half brother. I gave him the info about the final arrangements and he told me he would bring a check to the funeral for me. Good - more money to help my mom.
The kids wanted to go back to her house and have dinner with my mom. I called her and she said she was kind of tired and was going to take a nap. So we went to dinenr, where again I picked at my plate. I called her a few hours later (we were still down the hill) and she was feeling better. We went back.

I requested that Hongo go in one last time to find the things that I wanted that were of sentimental value. But I knew that Hongo would go in there and look through things to report back to me. I talked to my mom, and she also confirmed that my dad was not particulary fond of Hongo. That is no surprise. My husband is everything opposite of what my dad was. I CHOSE him because of that. I told my mom to look me in the eye and see that I was HAPPY. I am HAPPY with my husband. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't cheat on me, he adores his children and makes sure they have everything they need. I have roof over my head, food on the table, and clothing on my back. He provides me with everything thing I need and want (I am a pretty simple gal!) For my dad to be mad that I was happy is unexcusable. When I wanted to break off my engagement with Hongo and start anew, MY DAD was the one who pushed us back together!

Funny.

This is getting long. I jogged 5 miles today - 2 in the morning, 3 tonight. I thought about a lot of things. The funeral, my nasty family, my mom, my sweet children. It all just runs in my head. I will finish the eulogy tonight - I finally know how I want it to end. I have spoken with the minister, and It will be deliverd by me separatly from everyone else. That is how it should be, and will reinforce to my family that this is my turf and I ALWAYS get my way.

I know in the end, the bond that I had to the Aguilars is broken. My dad is gone. HE waas the main knot of this family. HE kept it together. I see it unraveling.... and I don't have any desire to step up and weave it back together. I could - it is evident that the more time people spend with me, the more they are accepting me. But I don't want to. I see myself extending a bridge after this. Whether others chose to cross it is not up to me, and I fully respect it if they decide not to. I just wish they respected my decisions too.