Death

Amazing how pure eleation one day leads to pure sadness the next.

I got the call this morning at 5:30. My cell phone rang, and jerked me out of bed. I checked the number, and hit "ignore". Some idiot must have the wrong number, because I didn't recognize the caller. I turned the phone on vibrate and went to the bathroom.
15 minutes later, the phone started buzzing. Dread crept up in my stomach. 15 minutes later, more buzzing. Knots were forming. Whoever it was, they were trying to reach me. I picked up the phone finally at 6:15. I had a message.


It was my uncle. His voice was very calm and steady. "Kim, this is James. You need to call me back - this is an emergency."

No one had to tell me. I knew why he was calling. That's why I didn't answer the phone. Before I called back, I woke my Hongo. I was shaking as I dialed the number. James answered, and he confirmed what I had felt - my dad had died.
I spoke with him briefly...it was a blur. I didn't ask how, or when or why. I was just numb. I told him I would be there in a while.
We hung up, and I told my Hongo. He sat and held me on the couch, told me it was going to be okay. I waited for the tears to flow. But they didn't.
I felt okay enough to call my mother in law. Can you imagine my father in law's surprise to hear my voice at 6:30 am? He immediatly knew something was wrong. I asked him to put his wife on the phone. I love my FIL very much, and he is like a second dad to me. To hear him, made me want to bawl.
I talked to MIL, and she assured me that anything I needed would bedelivered, no questions. I thanked her and then turned my attention to my home. I had kids stirring in their beds. Hongo and I debated on whether to take them or not. He said no - I said yes. The people I was going to visit were not important to me. My children were, and I felt that I should have them with me.
I showered, and waited for tears. None came. I told my Hongo that I was upset - where was my grief? Maybe I needed to get over the shock of it all, he told me.

We drove down to my parents house. There were cars packed all over. I got out of the car, and my uncle James greeted me. My cousin tried to say something to me, but my mom came over and started crying. All I could do was hold her. The kids got out, and I waited for my mom to get off the phone with SSI. Sheesh - I wonder who put her up to that? The man hadn't been dead for a day and thefamily already wants to see what they can collect. Well, they get nothing. My mom will get some kind of surviivor benefit.
I asked to use the restroom, and my mom led me and thegirls in the hosue. When I entered the room, everyone shut up. I got half-hearted "hi's" and I took the girls to the bathroom. When I came out, the kids wanted to go outside. I went in the kitchen and turned off the stove, because my mom had the burners turned on to create heat. I grumbled something like "I don't need two dead parents," and went back to the living room. I sat on the floor and petted my dad's dog (who was having THE WORST time) No one said a word. I could feel the dirty looks and the glaring stares. I sat there for a good 15 minutes until I started feeling uncomfortable. I got up and went to the kitchen.
The chatter started up again. I heard things that I should NEVER have to hear ont he day of my dad's death. I should have to know that he struggled, that he was so sick and weak. I had an aunt (who thinks she runs this family) ask my mom "So - when are you going to have the funeral?" My mom told her she didn't know....she hadn't gotten that far.
My aunt started up with her lecture "Well, don't wait too long, cuz I got this and someone's party is saturday, blah blah, blah." I looked around the corner and glared at her. So sorry - I didn't know that YOU were paying for this funeral and that it had to be designed around YOUR needs, you old hag. I stood in thekitchen, looking at the window, and then occasionally glancing at the door to my dad's room.

They finally all left, and my dear uncle - the one who has been kind to me all my life, took me aside to talk to me. He told me how sick my dad was, how they tried to keep it a secret and minimize it, how the alcohol destroyed his life, literally. He went in the room and gathered about 30-40 bottles of medicines. That is how my dad was living....pills pills pills. He had just gotten out of the hospital.
He left too....and I sat down to talk things over with my mom without outside influence. I made us an appointment to visit the mortuary at 2 pm. I told my mom to get dressed and I would take her to lunch. I went into her room andwas taken aback by the smell - cats. Ugh . I hate cats. Anyway, she was wearing a stained sweatshirt and jeans. I went through her closet and picked a pretty blouse for her to wear. She protested - it was a special occasion blouse. I told her that life was too short to wait for special occasions to wear nice clothing.

We had lunch and I tried to buy her a new outfit for her, but she refused. Then we went to the mortuary. We sat in a room together and looked over price sheets. I don't thinkmy mom was prepared for the cost. She began to sob, saying "I can't afford this." I know Mom, and I'll take care of it. In the back of my mind I was thinking
"Yeah Kim, how ARE YOU going to take care of it?"
You just find a way, I guess.

We went for a rather inexpensive option, since the real wishes of my dad could not be fulfilled. He wanted a plot next to his mother. Impossible, because she died when he was 15. Nearly 35 years ago! Plus, due to his size, he would need a special casket, and I didn't think I would find 6 pall bearers. My uncle already said "Kim, I carried your dad out once, I'm not doing it again." He helped the coroner this morning.
I cried a little bit, when I picked the poem for the pamphlet:

The Garden

God looked around his garden
and found an empty place
He then looked down upon this earth
adn saw your tired face

He put is arms around you
and lifted you to rest
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering,
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on Earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough,
The hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
and said "Peace be thine"

It broke our hearts to lose you
but you didn't go alone.
For part of us went with you
When God called you home.

It stood out to me, and it just feels right.

The rest of the meeting was a blur. I was composed and could speak. My mom was huffing between sentences, trying to catchher breath.

It feel cliche, but when they say that you need to remember to breathe - its true. I found myself holding my breath a lot, and I had to tell myself to just keep breathing and I would be okay.

Before I went home, I stopped at my uncle's work and spoke with him. He pledged to give me whatever money I needed. On the way home, my other uncle called (the one I saw at costco) and pledged more money.

It's been a long day, and my memory is bad. If I remember more stuff, I'll write it. It just came to me that I need to go to the store so that I can make some freezer meals to give my mom. My hongo made me eat tonight, but who is making sure SHE eats? No one.

No one brought her anything today. Its like they don't care.
You know? That will be my rant tomorrow - how my familydoesn't give a rat's ass that my dad died.