November 13th

Today would have been my dad's 50th birthday.

Last year on the 13th, I sent him a text message saying "Happy Birthday Dad" I had been at the doctor's office all morning, and very tired. We also had not been on very good speaking terms, but I felt like I was extending the olive branch by texting him. It worked, because 2 weeks later he called me on my birthday. It was then that he told me that he was dying, but that he wasnt willing to do the things necessary to save himself. I remember getting angry with him again.... it was always the same argument with him - he didn't want to give up the things he loved in order to embrace a healthier lifestyle that would bring him more years with the people who loved him.

Three months later, what he told me on my birthday had come true....and there would be no more arguments between us.

Today I had to drive down the hill to my doctor's appointment, and I considered visiting the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. My dad was the only one of his 6 siblings that regularly visit the cemetery, and as a child I remember going with flowers to put onthe headstones.

But my dad is not buried there - his remains are in my home. The place where he was never permitted to come to for over 5 years. There was no reason for me to visit a cemetery where he is not at. So I came home instead.

I suppose that every year will get easier, but as each special day passes, I feel the pain of never being able to say goodbye. To have never been able to tell him one last time that even though we fought so much and the hurt he caused me growing up, that I still loved him and we were still family.

It's been nearly nine months, and so much has gone on in that time. I am so lucky to have the people around me that I do. As Thanksgiving approaches, I will certainly be giving thanks for all I have...